Seeking His Loving Arms

Unlovable...that is how I felt a few weeks ago.  I was being attacked by Satan's lies that I, a daughter of the King, am unworthy of love.  At the SAM Bolivia Conference two weeks ago, I shared these feelings with my divinely appointed small group of women.  They spoke truth over me, yet I was still not convinced that I could be loved.  I couldn't figure out why I felt this but knew it had something to do with the fact that I am 32 and unmarried with no prospects living in Bolivia where the only missionaries I see everyday are single girls or married people.  I learned great things at conference about myself and God in spite of the lies to which I was listening.

The last week was been a roller coaster of emotions for me, with the great things I gained from the conference and getting back to teaching to hearing of my niece being hospitalized with viral encephalitis as well as dealing with my own sickness.  The frustrations were starting to outweigh any love for Bolivia that was developing.  Satan was continuing his work in hitting me where I am weak, to the lies he adds frustration.

This past weekend while I was home resting, I started reading back through my journal from the last two years.  It seems that I have continually been a frustrated, selfish, rejecter of God's love for some time.  Where is my joy coming from if not from His love?  Where was a woman after God's own heart and not the heart of man?  As I continued to read, I came across where I had written out Psalm 116.  I read it to myself and then read it aloud. Here it is:

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous;

Our God is full of compassion.  

The Lord protects the simplehearted;

When I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my

feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted."

And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."

How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.

I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

O Lord, truly I am your servant, the son of your maidservant.  

YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY CHAINS!

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.

I will fulfill my vows to the  Lord in the presence of all his people.

In the courts of the house of the Lord- in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

Even in typing that out word for word, the Spirit convicts me of the situations that He has brought me out of that I have not been thankful for, of the answered prayers I have received that I have not turned to praise, but most importantly of the love that He so freely gives day in and day out that at times I reject.  What a fool am I to not take JOY in the fact that I have been delivered and freed of the chains of this world!  What a fool I am to label myself as unlovable because I am not married, yet know and believe in the Ultimate Love of Jesus!  Is HIS love not enough for me?  

The truth is...I am LOVED, ACCEPTED, WORTHY, VALUED, and SAFE in HIS ARMS, and sometimes His arms come in many shapes and sizes.  It comes in sweet encouraging notes put in my box at school.  It comes in cookies and banana bread from a student and her mom.  It comes in 3 different types of medication brought to my door by a loving, caring friend.  It comes in a hug from a neighbor when my heart is hurting for my niece.  It comes from parents that allow me to cry in their ears. It comes from a package filled of pumpkin coffee, pumpkin oatmeal, pumpkin cookies, movies, jello, and iTunes card sent from a bestie.  It is friends that sit with me on the kitchen floor and play with your hair and make you laugh as I wait to see if my body will react to that piece of bread they made me eat. It comes in a neighbor washing my clothes when I am too weak to do it myself.  It is kind words from so many when I am so far from home.  It comes from the little voices on the Skype screen saying my name.   He loves me so much!  Why do I ever doubt it?   Why do I not even try to love Him like he loves me?

In light of these revelations, I am making it a point to seek His arms and fall more in love with Jesus while getting to know the author of my story more fully.  I will be Praying the Names of God these next weeks.  I will be learning about and finding joy in who God is.  I am on day two of Elohim- God, Mighty Creator and I love it.  It is a great reminder of the truths I already know.  I seek to be full of joy in His presence!!