Freeing Me from My Chains

God has blessed me these last couple of weeks with rain and cooler weather (see previous post).  Unfortunately, I think that is coming to an end.   I know he will bless me in other ways!  He is faithful to do so!  Just today he showed me how truly faithful he is and how much he loves me!

This morning I went to church at Iglesia Kairos!  This is a Spanish church that I have been attending regularly.  God drew me to this church for two reasons: the worship, and it felt like home.    The first time I attended the pastor even told me (in Spanish), "This is your home."  Although really the only time I go to this church is Sunday morning, I still feel like I am loved and cared for by each one of those people.  The Holy Spirit is in that place and in those people.  I am always blessed to be there, even if I don't always understand what they are saying.  

Today was different.  I asked the girls that I was with to sit in the back because I was tired of having the gringa (white girl) row in the front middle.  They were cool with it.  Worship started and I could tell that there was something different, something better about today.   We usually stand for most songs until the offering.  After the offering was taken a young man that doesn't usually sing started a slow, beautiful song.  I didn't know the words because it wasn't one of the 8 or so songs that I usually hear.  It was new and beautiful.  I closed my eyes and listened, but when the man behind me started singing that was when the tears started flowing.  A brief thought of wanting a husband that could sing came into my head, but then a small voice said, "It is me your God singing over you".  It was sweet and precious.  I had no clue what was being said yet I knew this was my Father loving me in that moment!    This verse came to mind:

On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:

“Fear not, O Zion;

    let not your hands grow weak. 

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival,

    so that you will no longer suffer reproach.

Zephaniah 3:16-18

After I recovered from those tears, Tonchy started his sermon.  We started reading in Luke 23:26, where Simon carried Jesus' cross and then went on to talk about criminals who spoke of how he could save himself and that he had done nothing wrong.  I was understanding most of what he was saying.  He was sharing the gospel of Christ with me in Spanish and I could UNDERSTAND!!  I think I smiled a little bigger in those moments of total understanding.  I even shook my head as if to say Amen, a few times.  I sat in awe of what God was doing in my head, opening my mind to words that made no sense before, yet today made perfect sense.  It wasn't until he started talking about how the darkness fell over the land that my tears started again.

You see lately I have been sitting in unhappiness/ sadness/ depression.  I am not sure what to call it, but it has been dark and lonely.  I have been listening to Satan's lies about not being good enough for this job as counselor and teacher. I have been judging myself based on the reactions of my students and the fruit, that hasn't had time to form, of my counselees.  In my mind, I have failed and with that comes unbelief that my God is enough, and I have been sitting in shame.  I was reminded by my counselor/ mentor and a card that I pulled from a can that my freedom from this is in His grace and truth…ONLY  in His grace and truth.  Tonchy said this so many times this morning that my sin and my life is purified in the light, love, and grace of Christ.  He loves me in my unbelief!  He loves me in my judgement of self! He loves me in my sad feelings!  Yet, he desires me to trust in Him to heal, to save, to rejoice over me with singing, but most importantly, to be enough.

These words from Psalm 116 have been echoing in my head for at least 5 years when Don McLaughlin had us stand at the beginning of every sermon in his series to read/ recite these verses.  God knew I would need these words again today as much as I needed them 5 years ago!!

" I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.  

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.  

I believed; therefore, I said, "I am greatly afflicted,"

And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars"

How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.  I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.  

O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have FREED ME FROM MY CHAINS!"

Psalm 116: 1-16

His grace frees me from the chains I put on myself.  The chains of expectation, judgement, and shame.  He has saved me, and today in His loving embrace sang over me, he quieted me with his love, allowed me to understand one of his many languages, and showed me that his precious Word reminds me of his presence and power.  He chose me, and he loves me no matter what.  I may not be totally out of this pit of lonely darkness, but I am finding joy in it.